In Which Kyuubi Tries to Tell A Story and Fails
by DiscoSludge
Summary: Kyuubi tries to tell a story to Naruto, but Naruto is too passive to even pay attention. A quick little one-shot in which I attempt to write comedy. Please read and review.


Something about this dream was slightly off. Maybe it was the way that Naruto didn't seem totally drowned in unconsciousness like he usually was. It almost seemed like he was gently falling. Falling into a stream of needles. His back hurt.

"Where am I?" His throat felt like it was slowly burning to a crisp and his eyes began to water. Usually you don't feel things in your dreams. This wasn't normal under any circumstances.

Then something hard hit his back. It was totally spread out, almost as if he had landed on ground. Unfortunately for him, he did. Cold, wet ground with no comfort at all. He groaned.

It was that same familiar place. The place that haunted his memories and invaded his nightmares. The place where his demon waited for him. Sitting, watching. Naruto closed his eyes and pretended like he couldn't see anything.

"It won't go away," That same, evil voice called out from behind the bars. "Even if you _do _close your eyes and cover your ears." A low, guttural growl followed and Naruto opened his eyes. The eerie glow of the water reflected against the ceiling.

"Technically, I wasn't covering my ears," Naruto said sarcastically as he began to sit up. Water soaked through his pants and he could feel it seep into his underwear. Great. "But I mean whatever floats your freaky, demon boat Kyuubi."

"Do not address me boy," Kyuubi sneered. "You have no right." Naruto couldn't see the orange, red glow of the Kyuubi's fur behind the red fog that swept through the room but he could see the pair of eyes glaring at him through the bars.

"Well then you shouldn't address me as boy," Naruto rolled his eyes. He really wasn't in the mood for this. "It's pretty much a two-way street with the whole respect, name thing." Naruto shrugged.

The Kyuubi spit and Naruto winced back. That did _not _sound pleasant.

"Fool..." Kyuubi mumbled off. Naruto was just glad that a massive claw hadn't erupted from between the bars to drag him to who knows where.

"Why am I here?" Naruto asked. He didn't want to beat around the bush, eager to get back to his restful sleep. Team Kakashi had gone a vigorous mission the day beforehand and his bed was looking more and more comfortable as the seconds ticked by.

"The same reason you're always here." Kyuubi's voice raised an octave in frustration. He'd run this by Naruto thousands of times before.

"Yeah," Naruto stood and felt the water fall in heavy streams off of his pants. Super. There's a new pair of pants he _just _bought. "I still haven't figured that out yet." He brushed off his shirt though there was nothing there.

"I wanted to speak with you." The Kyuubi's voice lowered and his eyes shifted away from Naruto. Almost like he was purposely avoiding his gaze. Kyuubi never averted his gaze. No matter what. It bothered Naruto.

"Yeah I figured." Naruto nodded to himself.

"Now is not the time for jokes, fool." Kyuubi growled, his eyes flying back to Naruto's now-nervous face. A few minutes in silence passed.

"...Go on." Naruto said quietly. The Kyuubi sighed.

"Do you know anything of my past boy?" He asked. Naruto furrowed his eyebrows. Something was beginning to drip on his head and he was really past the point of worrying. At this point he was about ready to pass out. Fatigue shuddered through him.

Naruto said nothing.

"Well," The Kyuubi began without noticing Naruto. Maybe he was preparing to get wrapped up in his own, dumb tale. Whatever the case, Naruto was glad for the moment of peace. "I was always entirely jealous of your father."

_That _woke him up.

"Wait, what?"

"Do you need new ears boy? Your father!" Kyuubi's voice raised and Naruto instinctively flinched back. How was that even possible?

"You were a giant fox-demon. How on Earth did you get jealous of a man?" Naruto asked. His eyes narrowed and he shook his head. Something about this whole story was just suspicious. Then it hit him.

This was just some sort of made up pity-party so that Naruto would hand over complete control to Kyuubi. He bit back a laugh. Did the Kyuubi really think that was going to work? He had to try harder than that.

"I wasn't always a demon you know." The Kyuubi's eyes moved over to the left, avoiding Naruto's heavy-lidded, aqua gaze once again. Naruto raised his eyebrows. "I was a man once."

"For some reason, I find that really hard to believe." Naruto let out a yawn. He didn't care if he was getting under the Kyuubi's skin. He was tired and he wanted to go back to his bed where it was warm and soft.

"That's because you're a foolish boy whose thoughts center mostly on women and new jutsus!" Kyuubi's voice rose in volumed and he rattled the bars. Naruto's face didn't change. Well, he wasn't lying.

Three minutes passed uncomfortable in silence.

"Continue." Naruto said quietly, biting back another yawn.

"As I was saying before," The Kyuubi began again. "I was once a human man. I was consumed with my envy of your father. He had a beautiful wife, a brand new son, and he was the Hokage! Everything I'd always dreamt of being," The Kyuubi's voice grew wistful. "That's one of my theories actually. The reason I turned into a demon Kyuubi being that I was just so jealous."

"That's weird." Was Naruto's half-assed, too-tired-to-care response. The Kyuubi's eyes widened.

"I SPILL TO YOU WHAT I'VE BEEN KEEPING FOR GOD-KNOWS-HOW-LONG AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS 'that's weird' WITH THAT RIDICULOUS, STONED-OUT-OF-YOUR-FREAKING-MIND LOOK IN YOUR EYES!" If Naruto's ears could explode they probably would have. The Kyuubi's voice seemed to reach his inner ears and pound against his brain. Naruto flinched over and fell, face-down, ass-up into the water.

He lifted himself up and shook the water droplets out of his carefully, spiked hair. It now hung lazily. Naruto sighed.

"Well," He began. "What did you want me to say." It wasn't a question when Naruto said it. It was more of a statement. The Kyuubi shifted in his cell and faced the wall.

"Something alone the lines of," Kyuubi cleared his throat. "'Oh Kyuubi, I'm so sorry. That's so tragic. I feel so bad for you. In fact, I feel bad enough that I'll give you my body so that you may use in non-sexual ways. Unless you'd like to. Then you can.'" His voice was about twenty-thousand octaves higher than that of an eight-year-old girl. But that's not really what Naruto quirked an eyebrow at. The 'sexual' comment was what confused him.

"I think you're sexually, emotionally, and mentally depraved." Was Naruto's response. He was a bit more awake now due to the water but his eyes still held the tired, lazy expression.

The Kyuubi let out a huff and the walls shook.

"I think that's my cue." Naruto said quietly. He pointed a thumb behind him and began to wade away. Before he could get any farther though, his whole body fell under the water, almost as if pulled down by a pair of hands.

* * *

><p>The next thing he knew he was lying awake in his bed, sun shining and bird chirping in the window. Naruto sat up. Unfortunately, that same tired feeling resonated through his bones and into his eyes. He felt the need to fall back down and get some shut-eye.<p>

Sakura didn't want that though.

Suddenly, his door burst open and the sound of Naruto's companion's, overly-cheery voice cut through the air like a knife.

"Rise and shine Sleeping Beauty!" Her footsteps felt like pounding on the insides of Naruto's ears. "We've got a busy day ahead of us!" Sakura walked over and stood at the foot of Naruto's bed. He dragged himself upwards and stared, half-lidded at her.

"You look like you've had a crazy night." Sakura said with a giggle as she cocked her head. Naruto's frown grew deeper.

"You have no idea."

**author's note: and thus ends my pointless little one-shot in which I make a really horrible attempt at writing comedy. Plus it's a little ooc but I didn't give two poops about being in character. I just wanted the Kyuubi to look like an idiot. I'm not really sure when this takes place either because Naruto knows his father is Minato but the Kyuubi hasn't gained power yet. So honestly...yeah. Anyway, thanks for reading. :)**


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